Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2011
It's been quite a while since I last blog. Its been different since the last emo-ing time. I come to the point where I don't care about things anymore.. I got no mood to raya.. no mood to work.. no mood to do anything.. I'm still trying to get myself out of my past depression.
It's hard.. really hard.. It's true when they say that once u got hit by depression.. even thou u recovered in future, the rate to get it again is relative high. It's damn hard to bounce back.
Hmm things have been different between us since the last time I told her partly my feelings for her. I accept that.. the moment I set my mind to tell her, I know this might happen. Things will not be the same anymore..My confidante is no longer mine..How do I knoe?? Hmm nowadays.. when I msg her, she would just reply a sentence or two and dat's it. Maybe perhaps she's trying to distance herself.. I don't knoe.. i don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm not harbouring anything with her no more.. just wanna things to be back like last time..She made her decisions.. I respect that..
Sometime I hope I can ignorant of things.. not to be analytic of things..
This year I've been push so hard.. so financially challenging..My mum and her never ending demands... I seriously want to clear of the credit card bills first.. before indulging in "wanting" demands.. Is dat wrong?? I seriously don't understand her.. I never did. I'm not even earning past 2.5k per month.. I seriously can't cope with this.. each and every month I'm stress whenever she calls to ask...And yeahh.. the credit card bills are cos last time she request to take cash advance..
I have not been praying.. i don't knoe why?? I wanted so much to pray to ask for his guidances.. but I don't knoe why.. each time i hesitate.. maybe I'm ashamed .. I do not want to be somebody who only ask for help during hardship times.. I don't knoe... I don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm just now going thru the motion of life.. with no meaning and purpose..
I used to have my UK studies goals.. but it seems that it getting harder and harder to achieve. My love life got screwed, my finance get squeeze and my purpose in life just got hammered. No wonder it's hard to get past my previous depression.
I missed this year solat raya and I didn't even get to hear the usual Takbir Raya.. maybe it just a sign that I don't deserve to celebrate this raya.. I don't knoe.. everything seems so negative..
But I promise despite all that negativity, I'll try my best to bounce myself back from the dead and will be positive more than ever.. I hope. Insyallah. For now I need Help..
It's hard.. really hard.. It's true when they say that once u got hit by depression.. even thou u recovered in future, the rate to get it again is relative high. It's damn hard to bounce back.
Hmm things have been different between us since the last time I told her partly my feelings for her. I accept that.. the moment I set my mind to tell her, I know this might happen. Things will not be the same anymore..My confidante is no longer mine..How do I knoe?? Hmm nowadays.. when I msg her, she would just reply a sentence or two and dat's it. Maybe perhaps she's trying to distance herself.. I don't knoe.. i don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm not harbouring anything with her no more.. just wanna things to be back like last time..She made her decisions.. I respect that..
Sometime I hope I can ignorant of things.. not to be analytic of things..
This year I've been push so hard.. so financially challenging..My mum and her never ending demands... I seriously want to clear of the credit card bills first.. before indulging in "wanting" demands.. Is dat wrong?? I seriously don't understand her.. I never did. I'm not even earning past 2.5k per month.. I seriously can't cope with this.. each and every month I'm stress whenever she calls to ask...And yeahh.. the credit card bills are cos last time she request to take cash advance..
I have not been praying.. i don't knoe why?? I wanted so much to pray to ask for his guidances.. but I don't knoe why.. each time i hesitate.. maybe I'm ashamed .. I do not want to be somebody who only ask for help during hardship times.. I don't knoe... I don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm just now going thru the motion of life.. with no meaning and purpose..
I used to have my UK studies goals.. but it seems that it getting harder and harder to achieve. My love life got screwed, my finance get squeeze and my purpose in life just got hammered. No wonder it's hard to get past my previous depression.
I missed this year solat raya and I didn't even get to hear the usual Takbir Raya.. maybe it just a sign that I don't deserve to celebrate this raya.. I don't knoe.. everything seems so negative..
But I promise despite all that negativity, I'll try my best to bounce myself back from the dead and will be positive more than ever.. I hope. Insyallah. For now I need Help..
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