Reborn. Renew. Realise

Yo.. wat's up world??

I've been thinking alot these 2 weeks.. Nope.. no more about girls.. despair.. emotional...
This is about life..

I've been questioning myself whether is this the right career that I want?? What is it that I really want to achieve??
I figured out that basically I want a good paying job with flexibility of time.. that allows me to travel.. exercise.. and enjoy
working. I want a job that helps a person to change their life into a better one. I want to make a difference in their life..

First thing that I came across is Teaching/Coaching.

But as a teacher in the government, shaping the kids just didn't feel right for me..I have to follow their strict curriculum and
I'm afraid that I'll be teaching wrong info to them.

So that brings me to coaching.. Hmm what shall I coach?? Then an idea came. Relationship coaching..I want to bring it to another level
I want to cater it to Malay guys in general... This will be quite difficult as Islam is a religion Malay in general adopt.
I want to be coaching at the same time knows my boundary of religion concern. This is hard.. extremely hard cos as you know.. most
dating programmes involve clubbing,sex and physical contact to get into the girl's comfort zone.. This is what makes it hard.

But I know I will be able to find resolution to this. And if I'm able to do so, It will be legendary...

So enuff of the business plan. Firstly, I need to have all the knowledge that I could acquire.. I guess I need to go thru the courses
and have field experiences and make a name for myself in the dating coaching. Image.. I need to have a total transformation, physically and mentally
I came to know this Malay guy and I think I want to share this plan with him.

Attraction. What causes attraction?? To be the aplha-male.. a guy who have confidence and able to attract even the most profound
girl in the planet. Relationship. What causes a relationship to sour/to last? What went wrong/right? I'm breaking not just into
the singles market but even to the marriage. How to spice up the relationship so that 10 yrs of marriage seems like a day of marriage?
I got to find the formula.. I got to share this with the rest? I got to make the difference...to people and importantly my life.


Signing off,

Zero0

Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2011

It's been quite a while since I last blog. Its been different since the last emo-ing time. I come to the point where I don't care about things anymore.. I got no mood to raya.. no mood to work.. no mood to do anything.. I'm still trying to get myself out of my past depression.

It's hard.. really hard.. It's true when they say that once u got hit by depression.. even thou u recovered in future, the rate to get it again is relative high. It's damn hard to bounce back.

Hmm things have been different between us since the last time I told her partly my feelings for her. I accept that.. the moment I set my mind to tell her, I know this might happen. Things will not be the same anymore..My confidante is no longer mine..How do I knoe?? Hmm nowadays.. when I msg her, she would just reply a sentence or two and dat's it. Maybe perhaps she's trying to distance herself.. I don't knoe.. i don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm not harbouring anything with her no more.. just wanna things to be back like last time..She made her decisions.. I respect that..

Sometime I hope I can ignorant of things.. not to be analytic of things..
This year I've been push so hard.. so financially challenging..My mum and her never ending demands... I seriously want to clear of the credit card bills first.. before indulging in "wanting" demands.. Is dat wrong?? I seriously don't understand her.. I never did. I'm not even earning past 2.5k per month.. I seriously can't cope with this.. each and every month I'm stress whenever she calls to ask...And yeahh.. the credit card bills are cos last time she request to take cash advance..

I have not been praying.. i don't knoe why?? I wanted so much to pray to ask for his guidances.. but I don't knoe why.. each time i hesitate.. maybe I'm ashamed .. I do not want to be somebody who only ask for help during hardship times.. I don't knoe... I don't knoe anything anymore.. I'm just now going thru the motion of life.. with no meaning and purpose..

I used to have my UK studies goals.. but it seems that it getting harder and harder to achieve. My love life got screwed, my finance get squeeze and my purpose in life just got hammered. No wonder it's hard to get past my previous depression.

I missed this year solat raya and I didn't even get to hear the usual Takbir Raya.. maybe it just a sign that I don't deserve to celebrate this raya.. I don't knoe.. everything seems so negative..

But I promise despite all that negativity, I'll try my best to bounce myself back from the dead and will be positive more than ever.. I hope. Insyallah. For now I need Help..

Breakthrough

Hello blog.

Its been sometimes I'm here. So wat's been going on.. Hmm

Today I wish Maya for her birthday and ask her out, sometime in July. And guess what, she said YES. So I guess I'll be planning and looking forward to it. Hmm I not sure how it gonna turn out thou. Her mum is abit strict about dating and all. so we'll see how it goes, if i got to go to her house to ask permission. By all means. hehehe

Actually I'm not sure whether she is in a relationship with the "rockstar" or not. But my mindset has always been that, as long as one is not married, the path is still open.

Wokay..lets have abit of update for Amelia. Hahaha there isn't none since I distance myself from her. I hope she's happy, better without me around. Her fiancee is there rite.. hehe

I guess I do make the right decision afterall. Anywae, I lost weight, alhamdulillah. But now need to tone up.
Ohhh and my dental problem still persist. Apparently I need to do treatment on the tooth. I've been taking panadol to alleviate the intermittent pain.

Shifting to Work, hmmm I have evaluate and declare that this company is not for long term career. Mismanagement of duties. Everyone seems to be fighting their own war without any guidance. Boss expect their workers to work 24/7 without having to pay OT due to Executive position thus not applicable under MOM law.

So i'm thinking whether should I still stay for at least a year? or shift now while I'm still not yet confirm and require only 1 month notice?

Hmmm.. kk nuff said till then..

30/05/2010 - 23:15 - Mon cœur meurt.

I have deleted her. Before that.. I cried while confessing to god. And it soon calm me down. My heart spoke.. believe in god.. in Allah.. in qada & qadar... Fate.. destiny even in love is all in god's hands. I confess to god that I lost.. I'm giving up... I'm leaving it to fate. If we are really destined to be together then I'm sure we will. If not, no matter what you do.. she won't be urs..

And dis love is one sided.. It's only me.. :-( .... while typing this... I felt a sharp pain in my chest... a heart burn...I'm breathing in slowly.. controlling my breathing as i'm typing this.................

??????

RINO !!!! What the hell are you going to do???

Today my heart dies..... i'm having so much ???? in my mind now..
My heart is saying one thing while my mind is saying another...

What happen??

Hmm She post on her wall, pondering what to cook for her fiancee cos he gonna get his wisdom tooth remove. Okay.. I'm jealous... i don't deny. I'm damn jealous rite now.
I had mine remove twice... in agony of toothache before the extraction. And I could ever think of at that moment is her... She keep me going strong.. even thou i was in the dentist and afraid of the needles.. she was in my mind the whole time.

I'm not asking for her to cook for me...but at least..msg me... console me..when i need someone when i was in pain.. utterly in pain. I was there when she needed me..when she almost want to break up...when he verbal abuse her.. but she really wasn't there when i need her..

I'm giving up.. i'm dejected.. dissapointed with her.. Should I delete her from my FB totally???? SHould i really forget and erase her from myself???? Should i make her how I have made Nurul?? Just memories... plain memories.. I really don't want to do dat... but it seems she really wants me to do it...

I miss you

I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY.

It seems that the longer i try to stay away from her, the more I want her, miss her. C'Mon Rino... endure..

Yesterday, otw back home from work, I walk pass her area, hoping to see her from afar. Not sure where she live exactly but just walk and walk with hope. Only knoe she lives in massionette. That's how much I miss her. But somehow, I have this feeling she's near yet so far when i was walking around.

It's not like I'm stalking or something, it's just dat I want to see her so much, tell her so much, ask her to give me a chance to make her happy with me in her life. But I know I can't. Maybe I just want to knoe her feelings towards me. I'm not sure what i want anymore.

N.A

It feels weird.. feel different .. feel lost.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I WANTED SO MUCH TO MSG U.

I Knoe I can't. She seems happier now.. from her FB status update apart from her asthmatic attacks and difficulty to breathe. Oh well, no msg from her yet...not even comments/likes on FB and at least it conclude that I meant nothing to her. Just a past, just an acquaintance.

I maybe such to her but one thing i'm certain. I LOVE HER. hehe i said it ehh..if u know me, I would not say love to any girl ... it's meant for that special someone.
Like i say before.. I may like alot but i can only love one. With this, I have fallen. Now, I need to accept that it's one sided love and move on. How?? When?? I let fate decide my journey and length.

Steps..

So what's new??? Hmm

I just got my wisdom tooth extracted. It was one hell of an experience. Initially I wanted to extract both lower wisdom tooth but dentist advise not to. As I won't be able to eat well with both my tooth taken out concurrently. Got 1 week MC but it was a no pay leave for me as I'm still on probation.

Anywae, this 1 week have been an experience. Did alot of thinking, reflecting. I'm definite, It's about time I find my partner. First thing I wanted to do is to distant myself from her. She have a fiancee which I have to accept that and move on. It's been quite hard resisting to msg her, replying her... commenting on her FB. Maybe I should. I can also find out how I am to her. Whether she'll be msging me, asking about the recent disappearance from her life, etc.

Today I found out from the FB status that she has fallen sick. I wanted so much to msg her but I know that by doing it, i will be back to square one. If people ask, whether is it worth it to do this?? I would tell them that I do not know how the outcome will be but I'm sure it would be best for the both of us.

Hmm back to life, beside Maya, I have encountered this new gerl called Dini. An indonesian girl living in Sg for the past 7 yrs or so. There is so much thing that I do not know about her. Her religion, her age, etc... Hopefully I will get to know more.

A little update for my exercise regime: I have lost weight.. Hmm the tummy have kinda not bulging out already.. Abit more and i can start on the six packs regime. Made up my mind this year to be on an exercise regime.. Gonna get back my fitness and achieve that body that I been wanting.

Financial wise: I'm still unable to manage well. Many people ask me, how come my money is gone so fast. I'm single and have no obligation, they say. Well, I took up the SP services bill for my parents. I need to pay back all those credit card debts that mostly my mum ask me to take for cash advances. Actually to me it's a simple calculation. If u can't afford something, don't buy. Purchase wat u are capable of. I meant, for eg. there was this time where her hp broke and I would gladly gave her my non camera hp for replacement. She ask to check with the service provider instead whether can renew/extend the contract so she can take iphone4 white.

First, she already have an iphone4. 2nd she have 2 lines. Ohh both are under me thus the need to ask me to recontract. To my logic, it's best not to renew. This is done so that she can complete one of the line in contract while the other is still in force. If anything happen, she can terminate the out of contract line so she will be using 1 line only. It will lessen the burden rather than having to pay termination fee due to unable to pay.

I seriously think that it does not have to be the parent that is more mature than the children. Parent should start listening to their children and filter out. Take in the constructive ideas/comments.

Wokay.. i guess i let out too much this time. Hmm till next time.. ;-)

Heart

I cried today..... it just happen out of my control..

My heart hurts so much... as if half of heart has gone away and the heart beat fade away.

But I know in Islam the meaning and practicing Qada & Qadar. God has plans for all of us and hopefully it turns out bliss for her. I can only redha of wat happen and take it in my stride.

It's been a whole day now.. in the morning, I felt nervous.. my mind seems elsewell. I don't know how to turn this around. Luckily for me, nina was there as a listening ear. At least I did not let it all stay inside.. I felt much better after sharing it with her.

Ohh nina is my junior and mentor in TP. We interact only after both of us have left skool. hahaha irony ehh.. And NO i do not have any feelings for her. We just can talk randomly and could click to each other. Dats all. And she has already a bf.

I don't know how i can move on from here.. but insyallah 2011 I'll bring about changes in myself and hopefully find someone like her or even much better than her. Oh god, do open up my eyes and instill courage to face this as I'm just an ordinary human being of your creation that has his weaknesses.

Finally, she looks beautiful in her engagement outfit.

Goodbye 2010

Hi,

I'm supposed to meet sham and pik at the bridge for countdown today but I guess my heart just simply devastated.
She msg me today, informing me of her engagement tomorrow and ask me to come to her engagement.

I just froze..

I'm sorry but I just can't go to her engagement cos I'm not sure if I could control my emotion if I go over. Yes, I'm feeling happy for her. But I just can't come to terms with reality that he is the one she gonna get engaged with.

I'm sorry, once u lost the trust in me.. it's hard to regain it. I can't be happy trusting him once more to ensure ur happy, amelia. I don't mind if u got engaged or even marry as long the guy is able to take care of u, bring smile to u rather than sadness.

I know that I'm not good enough for you and also not religiously inept. I try to improve myself.. going to religious classes, avoid going to clubs, drink. I do all this for myself and for u. I want to be able to guide u one day if I were given a chance to be ur other half.

Ya'Allah, If these is a test for me, I'll accept it with open arms cos I know you have greater plans for me hopefully in 2011. Insyallah.
If Amelia's not the one for me, I pray to you Allah that you bring my other half to me, insyallah in 2011. I'm hurt and I'm afraid my heart may shut it's door and by then, I know i will find it difficult to open it again.

Lastly despite not coming to her engagement, Ya'Allah, bless Amelia's engagement and may 2011 be a year full of happiness rather than sadness for her. All i want is for her to be happy.

Amin.

.........

271210

She finally say it ehh...
She gonna get hitch. That feeling is like as if the world came crushing down...
The day will finally arrive ehh.. 010101

3rd October 2008

Is the day I first msg her on facebook. Tried ask her out.. get to know her.. but to no avail. If only I had pursue ehh.... The story might have a diffnt ending..
I might be the one getting engaged to her.. Well who knoes rite.. only god knoes how it will turn out.

2011

I told myself.. gonna save that money and go for the gym.
To stop procrastinate and start doing it.
Inject confidence and self believe.

18 - 21 Jan 2011

Will be hitting Krabi for a short getaway.. Gonna relax and try to find myself again.. myself who have that self believe and confidence to succeed and never gave up. Where did dat guy went??? He left but he will be back.. better form I hope..

Dejected and New Year resolution

I guess blogging is the only way i could express myself freely. Well, from the look of it, my guess is that she going to be engage to him soon. On the other hand, Maya seems to be head over heel with him, the metal rockstar. Sigh... one after another.. Well it's okay cos I always believe that god has arrangement for me and that person if meant to be will be yours. Sometimes fate works it magic in a surprise arrangement that one least expected. Hmm am I demanding?? I guess not. Everyone has it's own expectation and requirement for a life partner.

Wedding and countless of wedding invites dis end of year and early next year. My cousin got married yesterday. Guess I'm the only guy left of my cousins that got married. Sometimes, I prayed to God to show me the path and to bring my other half to me. Hopefully my prayers will have its answer soon. I guess being single for too long took it's tolls on me. Now what I need at this age is for someone to be there with me, during my hard times and share joy with me when I'm at my peak. Guess I want to be love and care.

I been saving up money to go for the gym sessions to ripe my body and live my life they way I want to. I have not much issue with my body size cos I went from acceptable weight during my sec skool and silat days to the increase weight during my injuries days till now. I guess cos my knee and ankle is taking it's toll of my weight and it worries me. Thus i decided to lose that weight and not only that, to go for that ripe slim toned body cutting. Since I gonna lose, might else well settle for the best right?? haha. Hopefully Feb 2011, I could start my regime.

Sleepless Nite

I wish her happy bdae yesterday 20th Sept. It was a short message, "happy Birthday"

Don't wish to get myself carried away again..

For now.. I've been unable to sleep well.. I'll think abt her when i sleep, woke up from sleep, wondering how is she..whether she still got scolded words of abuse by her bf..

Well I went to her FB page.. she seems happy, from her pictures.. good for her I guess. I regret falling in Love with her.. cos it's easy for me to like girls..lots of girls..random girls.. girls at first sight..etc.. but it's very hard for me to fall for a girl cos I'm an extremely picky sort of a guy.. and if I fall for someone.. it also means that she is my other self, my bitter self..

Oh god... I can't believe I gave up again.. after 2 girls.. i gave up again..even thou i told myself countless time that, this time it will be different. I won't give her up but then, it occur again. Once I gave up, she will fade away slowly from my haert. Just like nurul. I think I have a very soft heart, I rather see someone i love be happy than having myself happy. Sighh...

Recently, nurul got engaged and when i knoe abt it from her fb, I felt happy for her, for real. But glad that I no longer have feelings for her.. even if i have, it would be close friend relationship. Now u see why I'm so adamant not to give her up cos I do not want her to fade away from my heart.

I need to sleep period, like now.. but how to?? Oh god!!! help me... give me ur guidances and signs on what can I do abt her?? sesungguhnya ko yang maha tahu akan segalanya..

Disappointment

I been distancing myself from her..

Controlling my feelings every now and then. I don't know if it's the best move but what I know is that I'm disappointed.

Actually my old PC was back up running and when I start to browse thru the internet explorer, I found that I have bookmark her blog address that i save 2 years ago I guess. That's when I got disappointed.

She stated in her entry that 'he' has been her pillar of strength. And there was no mentioning of me. I was expecting at least a tiny bit. Maybe she purposely did not put me in as it could be viewed by 'him' and could cause misunderstanding.

Actually I started to feel something different in her action and behavior on Sept 7th.
On the morning itself, I introduced buddy poke FB application to her as it's a kinda cute and interesting animation for one to interact with another. So there are few occurrences where I post on her wall doing various things for eg, bite,dance and she post to my wall too doing various things for eg, pet a T-Rex, playing flying dagger. It was all alright till at night after she got back from skool. She message me saying that she's sorry but had to delete the buddy poke posts. From then on, whenever I chat with her, she would reply with very few words. Even her usual self that always 'LIKE' or comment my FB post no longer be seen.

My guess, 'he' confronted her or something about the buddy poke thingy and guess what, he now have buddy poke acct and actively post on her wall doing the buddy poke actions.

Well I'm disappointed that since she can forgo friendship and choose her bf instead, then might else well she can live her happily ever after life with her bf. I was there when her bf verbally shout and scolded her. I was there when she broke down when the world are against her. I was there when she needs someone. I'm disappointed that I was left like this.

Now I understand why Iskandar, her long time friend told me the reason why they are disappointed with her and find its hard to mend the crack. I once told myself, I will be there with her when she's down but I guess I'm not that sure abt it now.

For now what I'm sure is that I'm utterly disappointed but I still care for her. Love is blind ehh.. well I'm slowly regaining back my vision...

Dejected.. Jealousy..

Actually I don't know what I want out of this..
Perhaps initially I thought to be in a platonic relationship is alrite. but
For the first time in all this years of knowing her. I felt afraid...

Afraid of losing her.. So she have sorted things out with her bf yesterday ... and I advised her somemore...Wat the hell ehh. You wan her but you advised her on how to mend her relationship..

The thing is, I more concerned of her well being than my wants. So perhaps that's why I always put her interest before myself. Sometimes she request for something.. maybe a task..and I would always tell her that it's a simple thing that wouldn't take much time. But actually I just couldn't refuse simple things that she wants.

So when I got to know that they have sort things out.. it kinda put me on a withdrawal syndrome.. afraid.. of losing her.

Lots of ??? been playing in my head. What should I do? Should I tell her how I felt?
How would she react?? Would things be the same anymore??

I guess I'm not prepared for this. Not prepared to have a changed in our current relationship.

Questions.. Uncertainty... Doubts..

It's been few daes since I last blog. Hmm wat have happens these few daes..
Well I found this gerl..on FB.. Maya is her name.

Initially I thought.. she is bimbo type of gerl from the look of it.. but after getting to know her, she is actually quite good. Balanced of everything, with added features.. hahaha

Hmm I wonder how old is she? Maybe I will wait for a while to ask her for her age.
She looks young..and if too young, it seems wrong ehh haha too big of age gap.

Oh well, U nvr know haha cos recently even Ustadz Akhil ex-wife just got remarried to a 23 yrs old man, 12 yrs age gap btwn them. He looks so young and virgin haha in the wedding photos.

I'm glad that I'm having my options..and found Maya. Wat's next?? haha to be unfold...

A friend of mine ask me before..to work / do up a company that deals with guys failing in their relationship cos apparently I give great advices to him on how to get girls..

I can't deny, I have the skills cos afterall, it was based on Gambler, PUA theories.
PUA = Pick Up Artist
Gambler = The world renowned Pick Up Artist [Uk Based]
Pick Up Artist is actually an art of picking up randoms girls at random time & location. It even stretches out to diff races with language as barrier.

Well, for me.. I would rather take a little bit of here and there and still maintain the boundaries of my religion, attraction at its best. Perhaps one day, I might just be a love guru ehh hahahaha consultant for muslims brothers. hahaha

U see there is an achilles's heels in everyone and that's includes me. I can give advices to people but I'm rather dumbfounded by my own. I need someone to give me advices cos it's more effective that way.

Wokay.. dat's it, I need a new job pronto.. I'm so so so sick of the job and the mood is no longer there.. Can't excel to my best capability. Oh god.. I need a new job, a better job, a job that I like to do.. for my bdae. Pleaseeeeeeeee hehe

Empty

Today is National Day, a celebration for my country independence [SINGAPORE].

Well from morning, I was down with a stomach ache. It's not like a normal ache where you feel a sense of relieve once u went into the toilet. It was more of a pain than a discomfort.

I couldn't sleep the nite and only managed to sleep at arnd 5am+.

Anywae this year, I didn't managed to go my aunt house at Kallang. I always go there every national day. Well, i wasn't feeling well.

A feeling of emptiness surrounds me today. I analyse and i think I know why. Finally, I have the feeling of a need to have a companion. Almost everyone, my cousins, friends are either getting engaged or get wed. I know being a guy, you have more time than a gerl cos of the depreciation value of the different gender. For me, I'm rather tradisional in my thoughts.. I don't mind getting married and have my own family if I found the ONE.

Well, there are lots of gerls out there but to find someone you would spend the rest of ur life with is hard. Hmm so wat's my criteria for a gerl.. hmm

She does not have to be pretty as in star struck pretty but just simply sweet.
She must be strong willed and knows her own limits but at the same time demure and respectful of others...
Independence is another quality.
I'm not so detailed into features cos I think personality is more impt than features. So she should be someone normal..moderately okay.. being thin is okay.. Sexy and desirable features are good to have..a plus points.. hahahaha.
She got to be religiously equipped and knowledge...All she needs to have is balance.. knows her limits.
She can make mistakes.. as long as she knew wat her mistakes are and willing to change for the better. :-)
Lastly, I got to love her rite... hahaha u can like many gerls but u can only love one.

I guess my criteria is kinda hard ehh.. well wat to do.. that's the one i'm looking for..

Test 01

Today,

It happen. My true test..
I received her sms querying over my dissapearance.

I don't know whether to reply or just don't do anything abt it.
I think over it again and again... and I replied after hours of pondering..

I guess, even thou I distance myself from interaction, it was just mere avoidance.
Well, I fail this time..
Coincidently, I decided to msg my friend affandi who came back from UK few weeks ago. I ask him to purchase for me AON MANUTD HOME JERSEY.. but I lost his contact num. Thus I decided to go back to FB to personal msg him. Little do I wonder.. she post msg on my wall.. hehe is this coincident or wat that we conincide on a mere minutes I log in..

Only god knoes I guess.

I can't deny i miss her.. but I can't revolve my life around her... only her..
I got to buck up and snap myself.. hehe
Like a saying goes, "There are lots of fishes in the sea". Actually i don't knoe how she felt towards me as..

1) A friend
2) A brother
3) A confidante
4) A lover

I guess I shouldn't hope too much.. We never even met in reality.. hehe ironic huh..
Now do I knoe the truth in the song by Savage Garden - I knew I love you before I met you.
It's possible cos I'm in love with someone I haven't even met before..and it's likely that it's just me chasing - one sided love. C'mon reality check!!! She's got BF.

I'm glad I gone into blogging again. I feel more relaxed than ever before.. maybe cos I do now have avenue to let my thoughts and feelings known.. :-) Alrite stay tune..

Reborn

I went back to FB and reactivate it for a moment..
Gosh.. I found out things beyond my expectations. My friend 'A' is in a relationship with gerl 'B'. And gerl 'B' is actually someone that another good friend 'C' have crush on.

Well what the hell.. I was shocked, till now. It somehow trigger something in me.
I was shown 2 options.
Option 1: To do something, to fight to get her even thou she's in a relationship
Option 2: To go out there and date gerls.. no matter who but just date, talk to random girls/people, build up ur confidence level and see the world.

I decided to go for option 2!!

Actually I did that once.. and it was magnificient.. ended up, went to the club... get up and dance on the podium with a hot gerl. I even randomly grab a gerl's hand and guide her to dance with me sensually.. I can't deny.. I was pretty high that time... and it seems no one can stand in my way.. I was in control.

But it led me to the darkness.. deeper and deeper..

NOW I learnt my lesson.. I gonna be standing in between the fine line of darkness and good. Gonna be the alpha-male. Till next time... watch out my dating journal soon..

Work

Hmm what shall I say about work...
For a start, I hate working in the military environment. As long as you are handling government bodies, there are tons of process and paper work that need to be prepared before and after a work is done.

Facility Management.. not my favorite subject in poly.. haha but well I'm in this line now. It's more about man-management and customer service oriented career. I'm okay with it actually but to tell the truth.. I got quite a major setback during my NS daes dat undermine my confidence level.

I think at that time, I was already having minor depression from the setback. I ignore.. tried to fix it but didn't I knoe that the depression increases after I went into the workforce. It was alrite at first.. It get worst when I was assigned another site after the former in-charge shift to another site. It was actually a site where there's only 1 active occupant while 4 users are not stationed there. So there are quite a problem if I want something from them as there are spread out all over singapore. It's quite a hassle to coordinate something like that.

Nowadays, I think my condition is getting worse. I have no mood to do outdoor activities and I spend most of the time sleeping at home. Sometimes, I aren't able to concentrate on my works and it's affecting my performance. I unable to organise myself anymore.. everything seems to be in the mess.

Couple of time, I really want to see a doctor regarding my condition but I can't bring myself to it. The result of it, it got worse. I want to change my job to something I enjoy doing and not something I dread going to work each and every other dae.

Perhaps, I should lower my expectation and opt for a job which I like.
Oh god.. help me thru this.. give me the strength and cure this depression of mine.. before it's too late..Amin.

Good Bye FaceBook - Rino Nor Rihsam

Hi blogspot,

It's been quite a while since I log onto the blog. I guess, no one has been to the blog for quite some time. It should be okay.

Anywae, I have decided to disconnect myself from Facebook at 0600hrs this morning.
Alot of reasons. But most importantly, I want to find myself again.

LOVE
Ironic isn't it. Time and time again, I keep on falling for someone who is attached.
I'm afraid. Yes, I'm afraid cos I don't want to fall into the 'best friend' web. Actually it's quite a coincident that I met her. It was over the net. It was kinda random and somehow I decided to msg her on friendster until the tranfer over to facebook.

It was nothin at first, no feelings wat so ever. Just glad someone have the same mind,interest as I am. As time past, it seems there are so much things we have in common. Sometimes I wonder if we were twins of different bdae or is that what they call 'chemistry',fate.

With her, it was different feeling all over. You could say that I have this strong feelings which I could not avoid to feel. A feeling that she will become a big part of me somehow in a good / bad way. I guess only time will tells.

Well the feeling for her intensify when she got into a big fight with her bf. Her bf was caught exchanging intimate messages with another girl, which she coincidently finds out. His reason is that he thought she have engage someone to play a prank on him. C'MON lahh I'm a guy and I knoe what he have done.. He make the mistakes and now he is pointing the blame to her instead.. DAMN U LAHH!! At that point of time, I have mixed feelings. A feeling of happy cos there is finally a chance for me while at the same time , a feeling of sad,discomfort as she is unhappy.

My heart became restless when she's in trouble over her relationship. Well, I can't let her be unhappy rite.. so I advised her, comfort her and try to help her fix back her cracked relationship with her bf. It was painful for me cos I left my chance to take advantage of the situation yet I was happy that she has reconcile and smile came back to her life.

I don't know if what I did was correct but all I want for her not to be sad at that time. That's all that matters.

However, I somehow came to know that her bf frequently hurl words of abuses to her and treated her not right. It pains for her friends to see this happening to her and have frequently advised her yet in the end she decided to left them for her bf. I was filled with regrets... maybe I shouldn't have advised her to go back to her bf.. perhaps I should have just take advantage of the situation and be with her..cos she deserved better. I may not be a perfect guy but I'm willing to be the perfect guy in her eyes..

Sighh.... I really wished that she would know how much I care for her....

Ya Allah, if she's the one for me, show me the path to guide us and give me the strength and patience to go thru this. Open her heart and guide her to find her true happiness. I may not be the one but may she finds someone worthy of her love. Amin.

See ya on the next topic - WORK

Lets get it started

Wow its been almost a year since da last entry. AHhaha DOubt there's any reader in here. Well guess i'm free to blog hahaha. Anywae wat has been happening for dis 1 year.

I been out of sembawang camp to 6 SIR Maju Camp. Its been rigorous to get dat 3SG rank but now i got it long last. I'm about to ORD soon come dec 07 08. Can't wait for dat dae.

Went for a knee operation which made up of ACL RECONSTRUCTION and OAT (Ostheo AutoGraft Transplant) both to fix my ligament and cartilage problem. Hope it went well.

Raya dis year has been too dull for me as i could not go around with my operated condition and awaits for pple to visit my house. I will still remember the reason y i decided to go for the operation.

1) I wan to regain back my fitness and active in sports again and perhaps the best form i ever had.
2) I wan to learn breakdance and maybe like khai say form a crew. Why? cos i'm sick of RF crew being the best and getting it all. Somebody got to bring them down rite hahahah.
3) I wan to give myself a break before ORD. Too tense in army almost breakdown there.
4) Since i'm still in the force y not go for the op since its fully paid.

This is my journey. Next time it will be about my next year resolution.
till then

A new start of blogging

Well this is an old recollection i have miss exposing to the world hahahah NS during POP to Course in sembawang camp till the present ME hahaha.


Anywae hahaha can't believe i started to blog again. So far no one knoes hahah. Perhaps its becos of burnana hahaha she got a blog n after dat i started to remember i had one. Its weird to see my old posting cos i can't recalled blogging the majority of it ahhahaha. check out my old posting aite hahahah. Anywae will update more so stay tune to the blog.

HAri raya is comin good bye ramadhan

well ramadhan is nearly over and hari raya is comin.Emmm did anyone ever felt like wat i felt during the dae itself the hari raya? well on the dae usually the morning when i heard the songs being played it was a sign dat it is nearing and goosh i'm excited super excited and when u hear takbir raya being heard i felt a sense of recolection of the past.I felt so sad and tears flow and would say to myself at last the dae have come finally.Don't how many of pple out there feel like wat i feel. Holidae is only for 2 daes and came Monday skool reopens and off i'm to skool with new subjects to handle and new goal much2 beter than ever.

dis time i gonna fully transform evolve into an alpha-male.gonna lose dat pound off my body and gonna get either silver or gold for napfa maybe going try for talentime ,perf or such .Todae i felt somthing i nvr feel before dat is finaly i felt a need for a companion.well todae i went to TM to purchase pant at U2 with khai then later he went see movie with our MS E.after that i wander from arcade at century till nowhere.ended up breaking fast at KFC ALONE... then suddenly i have the urge to call home and i did and guess wat my dad went for work which i thought he is not working so my sibling were left alone breaking fast so i rush my ass taking the cab home.kklahh up till now but insyallah will be posting hari raya pics soon so watch out for me in pink and green.

Finally Project over

YEahh finally my project is over.Relatively our group of 3 didn't do much and we find it rather easy maybe cos our supervisor helps us alot.TRIBUTE to our supervisor for being there for us always.By dae wae i aready brought my baju kurung for hari raya. I knoe its kinda early to buy but my mum insists to buy it so we just follow.The Theme of these year for my family will be pink and everyone will be wearing relatively pink.At first i felt like ewwww but when i try it on and found out that it is not bad at all EHehehe.

Hey anywae there was dis time where i had a dream and after waking up i thought abt it for such a long period of time.In the dream there are me, rahman and yunus and some other which i could not remember.BUt the part is dat i was infront of them all and we all pray.I was like the imam for the session.Wat was dat supposed to mean? i knoe if u dream dat u are praying there is some meaning but i'm aint sure.

Todae is Sept 9 few more daes will be my bdae.Don't knoe how it gonna went or whether anybody remember it.Yest nite i watch dis chinese movie at abt 12 midnight. The movie was abt a gerl being stalk and the stalker's sister the murderer.After watching it i was like whoaaaa wat a freak the stalker is. HE says he like the gerl but DAMN U if u like the gerl can't u think dat ur action will make her insecure and hate u. I realize sometimes when a person like the opp sex they rather tend to be possesive and over jealous. Cmon lahh don't u have some faith in urself in case of if ur gf would go out with her frend and in the grp is a guy who happen to be ur gf ex and u are jealous abt it, u on ur part should be confidence of urself and say to urself dat guy is not a threat to the relationship cos at the end of the dae ur gf would be ur gf not somebody's else. BE confidence of UrSelf GUYS cos it is the primary weapon in getting gerls by urside and lastly don't be a doormat.

Yest after watching the chinese movie i could not sleep till abt 3.DOn't knoe y keep asking myself wat am i gonna do with my life? , After having diplom wat am i gonna do next? Wat would i want my family to be when i'm married later? HAhahahah Getting old aready ahhh i guess, keep thinking abt the future ahahaha. Well recently i watched the maid and it was good damn good for a local production.Those dat have not watch Should watch it ASAP cos it is a good show. Early this morning i check my gmail acc after so long and guess wat i WON a PAIR of tickets to watch RED EYE BUT...... the screening is on 31 AUG.ARGhhhhh I check my mail too late now my prize become ZERO hahahahah. kk till next

A busy mth ahead

Yup dats wat gonna happen soon , a busy mth ahead.Well u c i aready start to train silat back and wanted so much dat i get more than i imagine.hahahah well its becos dat i got selected to be in the swuad preparing for the PSK Silat Competition.Its a national event n on top of dat i will be performing For the NDP cos they wanted us to do perf on the finale only.It will be a short one where there are 10 persilat in a group of two's sparing out for 20 sec.The schedule will gonna be tight as all this thing will last abt a mths time n the comp is in 2 weeks time.WHoa wat a life.

Anywae its 8 aug n yest wat a hell of a dae in the morning went to NDP for the perf at abt 11.Its was ok but screaching hot.after dat we need to be at BEdok - Silat centre cos it was the opening ceremony of PSK - PEncak Silat Kebangasaan.Yah bydawae for the past few wks i been trainnig for psk for cat I and i so damn work it out till i lose 3 kg just to be in the cat but becos fadzli came on dat dae the weighing dae we clash weight being both in the same cat so i opt out to be in a higher cat of which i need to gain weight.emmm at at time my mind really blank like i been hell trying to lose now i need to gain.but its ok regardlessly i gonna do my very best and keep up the stamina.So after the NDP i went to Firr house to slack till 3+ cos i don't want to go home.When we arrive at Bedok it was hot i mean the surrounding was so grand.We got two fight which is Asyer aka USHER n Ali aka the newcomer.Asher fight was close but he lose not becos he flop but just fate n he did it all his effort he give it all.For ali he was a lucky one cos his opp was overweight n was disqualified.I don't knoe how much longer my body can take the stress i'm putting it but i gonna go on.

Just another dae

Its been a long time since i last blog.Been doin my attachment in skool and it feels like too plan out.Wat i mean is dat now its like mon 2 fridae go to skool at 9 and sit in front of the computer basically do nothin till 530.But luckily ahh there was dham,fazli,ghani,khai around so i would sometimes went to their lab and had our own adventure.This past few daes, i have been thinking actually wat i want in my life? n am i gonna do something abt it?FOr me the only big obstacle dat hinder me is the ability to convince myself to learn to be spontaneous n try out things.Cos failure only starts when u give up but its like my mind says i could but my body doesn't.Is it time for me to think for myself rather than others?Well i been reading dis book which happen to say dat if u starts to imagine, it will go about and manifest it for u such as if u keep holding the thought that u r exhausted then u will always be burnt out.These things hapens cos we let our imagination get the better of us.Your mind will create the thoughts around you depending on what you hold in your mind.DAts y sometimes in life we tend to let our assumption on wat we supposed we see get the better half of us.This led to lots of problems which we will regret in future times.By the time we realize it, it may no longer allows us to amend the error.Blog readers do some self reflection on whether does dis applies to u or have it ever occurs.

I have always witheld the believe dat wat ever happens in life whether is it good or bad would have yourself as the character(the cause) somehow.Cos wat ever you do will have a cause and effect.Don't deny cos dats the fact.Don't knoe how many of you have watch "Dia" on Suria.Last nite was the last episode for the season.Overall the set was nice and all but i was really annoyed with the character of "DWI" who keeps quiet the whole times even thou she was ill-treated by her step mum which soon led to herself dying of emotional stress.CAN't she just speaks up,defend herself.Hope the next season will not be so lengthy on the keeping quiet part and hope it will have a good ending but too bad "Dwi" life is not long so it will led her being dead.

dats all for todae Y'all

Beginning

Welll last sat was my match and regretfully i lose.
So here the match facts - the first round i successfully take down my opponent twice and i knew dat round was mine.The second was quite okay but toward the end i felt dizzy maybe becos before the match i found out i was .2 over my category so i ran and didn't want to eat ending up with dizzy spells.By the third round i was so dizzy dat i can't no longer punch, i let him punch me as much.DAMN but nvr mine like i said this is the start of a success.at least i knoe where my weakness lies and i can correct it.When i reach home my mum nag at me for comin back home late and ask my grandmother to look after the house.I was like really annoyed cos all this while nvr not even once did she or my father ask abt my silat whether how i did or even came to see me fight.It was all abt me , i rely on myself to came dis far.I have nvr ask them for money to buy dis or dat cos i knoe if i ask my mum she would nag and most probably sometimes only i get the money and for my father i knew he is into some financial crisis dats y i did not ask for more money bt did anyone notice i guess nope.Sometimes dis is wat i rather called communication breakdown and it is always when i quarrel with my mom dat it is me dat give way and for my father sometimes his ego can be so big dat he don't see the whole picture.Iyelahh sometimes parents think they are more matured and they are mostly correct being living in dis world much longer but nvr do they listen to wat their children saying whether are they making senses.

I do want to continue silat and stuff but if i don't even have support internally how can it be done.Like dat time when i'm in the national team and they like see it as normal and they even like saying don't go,how many time must go and stuff.Until i finally make the decission to quit.It sure gonna be a hard and rocky road if i gonna make it.Don't knoe wat happening to me now listening to songs smoke machine,yeah - usher and some dance beat.I think i into the dance mood how i wish i could turn dis lab into some dance floor and turn the lights off and dance my mind away.DAts y sometimes i felt dat it is better that i'm alone so lonely cos dat way no one will be affected due to my problems.Mayb dats y i rather be alone.I guess like my frends said dat i always think abt others rather than myself.I can go all out for my frends but when it came to myself i'm stuck,confused and can't seems to help myself.

Just Blogging

Well yest went back home and realize dat nowadays my life like was plan/scheduled.Everydae from 9-530 will be at skool and then go home or sometimes go play soccer after skool.emm isn't life be just plain,entah lahhh.Well yest nite hear couple of songs from my comp and suddenly dis song Akon - I'm So lonely played.It reminds me the first time i saw dis gerl face in reality.Well cos when dis song is played ,I look around and saw her.When i saw the Suria drama "Cinta Internet", it remind me of a frend elly who is kinda alike with the female character in the show.Both are dancer and indon.Hahahah

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	MaleFemale
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 6%
Kissing Skill Level - 46%
Cudding Skill Level - 38%
Sex Skill Level - 92%
Why They Love You	You are very sweet.
Why They Hate You	You're too good to be true.

Gonna have my match dis comin week hope i won i think even if i don't win it gonna be a start of a success.

A wild month

So it has been an interesting and wild month. LEt me start with few suprises
first was someone who i don't expect to msg me and she did.Its been long i had thought dat wat is done is done but guess it brings me life.second was when someone ask me qns and i found out more than i want to.Unfortunately i become confuse yet glad dat i knew the truth maybe its just me.Well there was one strange event dat happen on the bus back home on fridae.I,fairul and nasseer was takin bus 72 back home and only when the bus reaches hougang dat i realize dat FERA was sitting opposite side of me and i didn't realize dat.I only knew when fandi my fren shout my name and then i and fera turn and look ahhaah.well i guess nowadays i really can't spot pple around me.Always in daze and confused hahaha.Earlier i had dis seminar held in ORchard Hotel abt energy efficient strategies it was a $600 seminar n the skool paid for it.The lunch was superb i tell u there was MOven Pick ice cream buffet,jap style dishes,korean style dishes and even nasi bryani and rendang.Super to the core hotel style service and quality.Then at there get to knoe dis gerl name DIP from Ngee ann poly.She is from Vietnam i guess or is it cambodia hhahaha well she is sweet and hot.I guess dis mnth will be gerls mnths hahaha cehhh nak step player aja.But it just happen u knoe.

WEll dis month i will be having the Inter Varsity Silat Championship held at Ngee Ann Poly.The first time i went there i and the others felt so small cos our strength was like 6 and the other varsity except RP was like more than 15 but i told myself and the other we are small in capacity but great in strength.Well i soon became the team manager of TP silat team.It was a great responsibility but well dis is my first time and i guess i flop at it.WEll yesterdae was the quarter final and wak,fadzilla and raziff had their matches well only razif won the match and the other two didn't but a job well done.Earlier Safwan and Asrin had both won which safwan won 1st in seni(tunggal) and asrin won his match.

Well yest for the first time i saw Salwa (MiniRoxanne) at ngee ann poly.emm she is cuter in person.i mean really she looks kinda lilla bit diff but she's nice and sweet.Actually i don't recoqnize her , i don't even knoe she's there but she went up to me and said hi and ask whether am i rino cos i look familiar to her.And one shock dat is firdaus from rp lost his match.HE is a very good persilat dats y i say a shock.So its gonna be my turn nxt dis sat/sun i hope i gonna win it all cos gonna start train from todae onward.And yahh i also found out dat hidayah my cousin was a close frend of nurul so i was more than shock.hahahaa WAT a shocking month

==- DIS POST is tribute to nurul for demanding me to update -==